Made a choice this time 4 years ago — full of fear – walking into rehab:
Perhaps I’ll run around forever — healing my brain and my body — perhaps I’ll fail — and perhaps I’ll never know all of the answers — but maybe I’d never want to, anyway.
S’pose that’s all we need sometimes — the freedom to reshape and believe whatever the hell we need to believe to get on with life.
Spent this morning and night on a roof — only to remember that I’m pretty far from knowing anything — but recognizing a couple things: what I want and how I’m gonna get it.
Laughed with a best friend.
“Get used to your destiny babe,” he said. “Writing – recovery – all that stuff you talk about – it’s part of your life — forever. Accept it and blossom with it.”
We stared at the full moon.
“I’m scared,” I admitted – after a bit. “Still feel like I don’t know anything about anything. I lost touch with so much for so long: health, body, perception, relationships.”
“Doesn’t matter about that,” he said. “You’re brave enough to admit it – and that’s all that really matters. The rest will follow.”
“You think I’ll just know one day?” I asked. “I’ll just know what the right things to write are – and the best, most productive ways to love another person?”
“Nah,” he said. “At least I don’t think so anyway. Just think you have to choose to recognize the fear – in all of it – and keep goin’ anyway. Keep writing. Keep loving.”
Read an excerpt from Osho this morning.
Actually, read it as I sit here writing this in a tiny coffee shop in Paonia, Colorado.
There are two types of living: one fear-oriented, one love-oriented. Fear-oriented living can never lead you into deep relationship. You remain afraid, and the other cannot be allowed, cannot be allowed to penetrate you to your very core. To an extent you allow the other, but then the wall comes up and everything stops.
The love-oriented person is one who is not afraid of the future, one who is not afraid of the result and the consequence, who lives here and now. Don’t be bothered about the result; that is the fear-oriented mind. Don’t think about what will happen out of it. Just be here and act totally. Don’t calculate. A fear-oriented man is always calculating, planning, arranging, safeguarding. His whole life is lost this way.
“It’s okay to be scared,” he said – just past midnight.
“Yeah,” I said. “It’s okay to scared as shit.”
“Wanna find a hot springs?”
“YES,” I said – sitting up. “God, it’s cold as hell up here.”
Off we went.
Every moment still a mystery — just getting pretty good at listening.
Every moment evolving — getting pretty good at honoring.
Grateful all the same – for every bit of the confusion and the fear.