I slighted myself in the mirror this morning. So I thought I’d throw this perspective out as we all navigate recovery in this climate.
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I made some comment abt how a couple months ago my core looked different. And I know the comment stemmed from an insecurity that stemmed from not moving yesterday. I did taxes for 12 hours, ate some food that felt “heavy” and generally just felt unmotivated to do anything. I didn’t participate in a group call, didn’t pick up a book, binge watched Joe Exotic n then went to bed & felt bleh.
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So woke up feelin’ funky, took it out on my body bc I was feeling shame — & what I really had to acknowledge was that it’s not about my body at all.
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My partner’s working his azz off rn — his business is doing well in light of all this bc it’s a beautiful biz that focuses on food & supply chain and helping farmers.
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I’m watching him kill it while I sit unemployed, not helping ppl or writing a book lol, just basically sitting and sometimes doing yoga. And I’m watching heroic ppl step up in this world — and healthcare workers help. And I want to do something, but feel unsure how to help or what will hurt more.
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It’s effin’ with me, and i think that’s hard because I know only I can change the narrative. And only I can make some shifts to feel better or more productive.
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But instead I went to what I know best this morning, which is to be preoccupied with how my stomach has changed since I’m not exercising a lot.
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Lol eating disorders are predictable. And this response is predictable. But it doesn’t mean it can’t happen. Or that my recovery is in jeopardy.
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It’s not. I’m just turning to what I have controlled in the past.
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Truth is I need to invest some energy into connection rn, or into hobbies or writing. I just haven’t yet. And hey it’s okay — I am okay — I just know I’m not setting myself up for a good mental space the way I’m living in this.
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So perhaps this is just my ramble today, to remind myself to change sails.
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And hopefully relate to a few of you 💛
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#edfam #recovery #anarecovery #edfamily #eatingdisorderrecovery #sober #edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #mentalhealth #bodypositivity #recoveryfam #quotes #recoveryquotes
Am hopeful that this period leaves me with that feeling — love the people you have, right? Love them while you have them. Cause we have no control over anything. Seriously, not a thing. And I’m just thankful to be here, now, living — without a caveat. Gonna go get on Zoom with my family; my brother and his partner, my mom and my dad — chicken tenddies in my lap, honey mustard on end table 💛
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#edfam #recovery #anarecovery #edfamily #eatingdisorderrecovery #sober #edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #mentalhealth #bodypositivity #recoveryfam #colorado #quotes #recoveryquotes
Haven’t written much in the past week of self quarantine — mostly bc I’m finding this to be a time to observe. Observe how the loneliness feels. Observe how the lack of a gym affects me. Observe what I eat and how I eat. Observe the mood swings, which most of us are having as we obsessively scroll news.
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Observing scarcity as I’m unemployed & all my prospects are on hold.
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I’m noticing a mix of things: some positive, some worth more exploration.
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I’m finding that it’s a small sense of relief that I have no gym option. That there’s still a part of me that feels a self-pressure to go to the gym that directs my movement. But also that I don’t feel guilty for not going either. And that I’m loving yoga for how it breaks up the day & feeds me. And that I enjoy watching YouTube videos w my partner & doing a few minutes of at-home cardio in the middle of the day, giggling as we bound over each other in a small space.
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I’m finding financial scarcity a reality but not right now. And feeling fortunate that I can make it for a couple months when others cannot, & that I’m proud of myself for feeling calm about shit I can’t control.
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I’m eating well at night, its something my partner & I can do together while watching a show and eating at our favorite restaurants and it’s kinda like a way to feel normal. However I’m eating less well in the mornings. I don’t feel motivated to get up & do anything since there is not much to do — so I’m falling into a pattern that I need to be aware of.
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I am lonely for connection with friends. And I’ve been struggling with loneliness for awhile in terms of friendships — so I’m setting up Zoom calls with girl friends across the country & observing a desperation in my tone, hoping my female friends want to connect with me & it’s not one-sided. Pride is a powerful thing.
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I’m proud of myself one day for feeling calm & taking appropriate measures - & then guilty the next for judging others & getting irritated at 20 y/os on spring break, & being annoyed at ppl complaining about little shit — & not practicing empathy.
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It’s all a cocktail mix of everything rn my friends 💛
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#edfam #recovery #edfamily #eatingdisorderrecovery #recoveryfam
The anxiety of all this comes in waves right? One minute I’m like “alright come on Linds it’ll all pan out okay.” And then the next I’m like “oh shit yeah I’m unemployed and every single job opp I have right now is on hold since all the businesses I am about to freelance for are closed for hiring until this is over.”
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It leaves me in scarcity panic. And then I remind myself I have a family and friends and I know they’ll help me get through should it come to that.
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And my god am I grateful right now that I’m not in an eating disorder. Cannot even imagine the struggle some of you are going through with an ED and the loss of all this perceived control of our lives.
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Reach out if it gets bad. I mean it. Email me. My email is in my profile.
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In the meantime, I am going to keep giving what I can. I know it’ll come back around. I know that people are good to each other mostly. And that we’re all in this together and if we keep being good to one another, perhaps it’ll cause people to keep being kind, and considerate, when it comes to social distancing.
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I know lessons will be gathered from this - so I’ll keep my ears open, my eyes wide - allowing them to sink in however they do.
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Since I’m unemployed, and under self quarantine - I’m limited right now, but if anyone is interested in starting a digital recovery writing workshop with me, I have a meetup page and we can start from there. I think it’d be awesome to write together from the comfort of home.
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DM me if interested. I’ll share other online connection pages and events as I see them 💛
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#edfam #recovery #anarecovery #edfamily #eatingdisorderrecovery #sober #edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #mentalhealth #bodypositivity #recoveryfam #colorado #quotes #recoveryquotes
With my grandfather passing, it’s a strange duplicitous effect where it reminds me so vibrantly how short life is — and how much of it I spend in financial scarcity and how much of it I’ve been in an eating disorder.
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I just wanna fuckin’ live man.
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I have had so many biscuits and cookies I can’t even begin to know how many. They are in wrappers that are littering my purse. And in hostel and hotel introductions. In our lunches and shopping and dabbles in Moroccan culture.
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It doesn’t mean I don’t think about the eating shit. Even all these years in, I think about it. It’s a narrative I still unwind. A belief that fashioned my teenage and early 20s.
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But I’m ok. I guess that’s all there is to say about it. I’m okay with the unknown of the food. Because I’m sitting here right now with two friends, and we’re laughing about our college days:
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And we joke even, in morbid darkness, about my anorexia. Because how can you not bring to light the plights in life.
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And I’m reminded how much I missed, or was only half awake for in those days.
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And how thankful I am — as I grieve my grandpa on a flight from fez to Marrakesh — to be awake.
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Forced to live all of this life, whatever it brings 💛
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#edfam #recovery #anarecovery #edfamily #eatingdisorderrecovery #sober #edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #mentalhealth #bodypositivity #recoveryfam #colorado #quotes #recoveryquotes
My grandfather passed away this morning, nearly to the moment I stood against this wall to snap a big ole Instagram travel photo.
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I didn’t know & it’s bizarre — death. it’s a complex emotion.
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Thought of him at lunch after this pic, in passing. Wondered if he was in pain. I think: “I’ll text dad at the hotel to check.”
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Get back, hug our elderly tour guide. He reminds me of him, soft spoken, with aged opinion. Or perhaps it’s wisdom & I’m still too ornery & defiant to know better.
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Mom texts that my grandfather is gone.
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It’s surprising, she says. We thought there was a few more weeks.
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The way she says it irks me. But maybe everything irks you in these moments.
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My two friends standing there in the hotel room. My grandpas dead, I say. But I have no reaction.
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linds, they say — & we hug & I want their hugs but I don’t feel anything & all I can picture is my grandpa during holidays & how he sits at the head of the table, stoic, sometimes telling a story — when he chooses — & the rest of us clinging, with hopes of more to come.
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I should’ve asked more. What were your military days like? Did you love your life grandpa, did you enjoy being alive?
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I didn’t say bye, I say. He’s gone.
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Do you want space? Yes, I say. Just a moment please.
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And I climb to the roof of this place, in fez, Morocco, & I sit on the terrace & our waiter from the night before comes “hi,” he says.I smile. “Your smile isn’t like before.”
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My grandpa is dead, I say. I don’t know why I’m telling him that — but god damnit my grandpa is dead. And tears are coming.
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You angry, he says in broken English. No no. No angry. No sad. No need for this.
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I look away, & the Muslim prayer begins, the fifth of the day — filling the city sky in sound.
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Your grandpa is dead, he says, & he says it so earnestly.
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But there is no sadness in this, no pain. He is there, he points above. & there is no sadness but life. He is on to the next thing, & it is good. Whatever you think or I think of that — it is good. It is all okay. We pray now for him.
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The prayers so strong, in the city.
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My grandpa, wherever you are, I look at the waiter:
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I hope you hear these prayers — & know that you were loved 💛
In 11 hours, I’ll be in Spain, jet lagged, wandering the streets, looking for a place to write, sweetly nostalgic for the year I lived there, with a heavily packed backpack, a blister forming on my heel, and existing on a 1-way ticket to Europe, which I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to stand.
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I love the idea of no schedules. It is harder in real life.
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I’m nervous, which I suppose is normal. And I wonder what I’ll think about or if I’ll write well, or even coherently.
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And if my now finicky Spanish will make me feel insecure, and if the memories of my life in Spain will cause me to dwell on the freedom of that town period.
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I like to think that I’ll be content, even happy, in that moment, though I have no idea where I’ll be in a week, a month, a year — which I hear is sometimes, the best place to be.
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Met a lady in the airport. She’s 49, on a one-way to Peru. “Take notes,” she said. “Take notes of everything. Note the insignificant.” We hugged.
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And now I sit in my flight — a text to my grandma. “Tell grandpa I love him. I’ll see you all soon.”
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Cheers to writing, and the feeling of freedom, and getting the little chances in life — to roam (even amidst coronavirus) see you soon Europe💛🇪🇸 🇲🇦
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#travel #recovery #writer #amwriting #anorexiarecovery #edfam #edfamily
✈️ it is early today, and I am sitting on a plane eating leftover chicken dumplings for breakfast.
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And I am nervous and excited for the next couple weeks. And my grandfather is dying soon and my cousin is having a double mastectomy and Freelance work is up in the air and interviews are happening and life is just gloriously, painfully chaotic, and I have no way of knowing what it will be like in a couple weeks or months:
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But here I am, on a plane, eating dumplings.
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Grateful to be alive at all 💛
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#edfam #recovery #anarecovery #edfamily #eatingdisorderrecovery #sober #edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #mentalhealth #bodypositivity #recoveryfam #colorado #quotes #recoveryquotes
Traveling recently, and I heard a group of women praise another one for how she looked and it was overbearing ohhh and ahh’ing taking place around this woman in question.
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What’s so difficult to grapple with is how supportive these friends felt they were being — I mean truly right? How many times have you made these types of comments in your life and understood the gravity? I don’t fault these women — it just seemed like such a testament to the misinformation out there.
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I watched the girl beam, and dance around in her festival outfit — a kick to her step, a confidence shining. And I wondered “will it last? That confidence.” Or will she feel how I felt when I was first beamed at and praised:
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A desire to keep it so strong I’d have done anything to stay just that way.
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I struggle with it now. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. Recently, some of you have commented on my weight — not in praise but in what is perceived as concern (though I could never know for sure as this is the internet).
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And it was difficult even online, to be acknowledged physically and not take a closer look in the mirror — “ohhh have I toned x y or z?”
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They’re powerful: words. And they are used carelessly.
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And the plight of our recovery is understanding that we will be affected by words no matter what we do — and then forced to try and balance them with self awareness and self confidence and “informed” minds, whatever that means.
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Anyway, just a thought today — as I head out to acupuncture, which I most definitely cannot afford right now 💛
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#edfam #recovery #anarecovery #edfamily #eatingdisorderrecovery #sober #edrecovery #anorexiarecovery #mentalhealth #bodypositivity #recoveryfam #colorado #quotes #recoveryquotes
It's been 2 years since I spoke to my ex before my ex fiance. Yesterday, we shared a coffee.
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I'm nervous, waiting there. He’s late. & it’s a comfort to know some things never change.
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I don't know how to greet him. And as the minutes tick, I act it out in my head, fully aware that I'll still word vomit everywhere in spectacular fashion.
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Fate is funny. I sat next to his partner on a flight to Costa Rica last week. When I approached the assigned seat, I couldn't help but smile. Eventually, nestled beside one another, she couldn't either. "I think it's time we get past this," she admitted.
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While in Costa Rica, he said 'hello' - & I put my hand up 'Hi, you.'
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We're back in CO when I send the email. "If it was just the festival spirit, I understand. But, it'd mean a lot to see you."
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"It's funny," he wrote. "I was thinking of sending about the same email at about the same time this evening."
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We decide the place. My current partner drops me off, & I wonder sometimes how he so gracefully allows space for my past.
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My ex emails again. "P.S. May my trek out into the white sheet of snowy death be a symbol of just how important it is to converse w you today."
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I love his writing & in that sentence, it feels familiar. & it's strange that two years can go by, & a person can still feel familiar.
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When he walks in - I blurt: 'I'm nervous,' & curse myself. I am a predictable, stumbly human.
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He smiles. 'Ok, let's squash that. I'm sorry,' he puts his hand on my shoulder. 'Before anything else, I got the grudge-holder gene from my Dad. I'm sorry it took so long.'
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I nod. & we talk for 2 hours. "Can we walk?" he says. 'I hate these convos where I know people can hear.'
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I smile. He feels like an old friend & I have missed him. His beard could use a shave. He is impossibly lanky still, & when you talk - he listens. I ask about the minivan "so you actually lived in it?"
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"I told you I would," he quips. I shake my head. “I know,” he smiles. “it reminds you of suburbia childhood.”
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Did you pay your taxes? I frown. “Do you really wanna know that,” he says.
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“No you anarchist, I don’t.”
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