Christmas Eve – and… donuts?
Such a balancing beam between the holidays we are born into believing in – and the reality that takes place when you have an eating disorder.
Went on a run this morning with my partner. Ran straight past a Dunkin Donuts. “Let’s get donuts for my family,” he said. “I got the dog; you go in and pick it out.”
I. Fucking. Cringed.
“Asshole,” I mumbled.
He grinned. “It’s good for you.”
So on I went – trudging in – trying to do this thing where I acted like I’d never eaten a donut before. “Do you do a 1/2 dozen?” I asked innocently.
(I mean seriously… I’m 27 years old. I know that Dunkin Donuts will sell me a half dozen.)
The girl nodded. “Whatever you want,” she said tiredly.
“Oh,” I slightly guffawed. “well I don’t really know the flavors – I DONT REALLY EAT DONUTS,” I enunciated.
((I wanted her to know.))
This went on for a bit. I chose a sprinkled chocolate donut and a cake strawberry, a blueberry, a glazed (that I actually said “Oh! Is that a glazed one?”) and eventually I waked out rattled.
My boyfriend snorted. “God that took you forever.”
I made a face. “Well, I made sure they didn’t know I ate them.”
“I’m sure you did, but you did it.”
I nodded – took the dogs leash. We picked up our speed. We walked around the block on a sunny Christmas Eve in Colorado Springs.
I held the box the whole way back to his home.
I’d be lying if I said i didn’t think about those donuts
But, as we walked – he pointed out the namesakes of his life.
He pointed out a restaurant his friend’s Dad owned.
A park he used to run around in. I found myself distracted.
Holidays are about being present – which is why we’re so bad at them.
We moved on. We went home. We watched Christmas movies with his family.
I hate half a bloody donut.
Did I think about it? Sure. I’m human. I’m not a body posi coach.
I’m not an inspirational leader.
But, in spite of all of that – I still found a way to make those memories.
And I’m thankful to have the moments of clarity – thankful for my family and their ability to overlook my neurosis – and thankful to have a boyfriend who has a family that reminds me there’s more to pay attention to