A Reminder: Your Eating Disorder Is Boring

Coming out of a minor eating disorder relapse these last couple months, and I went to dinner with a girl who follows my blog this past week: “What made you go?” She asked. “To rehab? Did you have that moment?”

I sipped my wine: looked down at 2 tacos in front of me. Sometimes, I wanna have a big, juicy response for that question. Sometimes, I don’t know what to say.

I kinda chuckled. “I dunno if I have an answer really,” I said. “I didn’t have that moment – that big climatic scene in a movie. I didn’t have it, and sometimes I feel like I should make one up to feel relevant.”

Truth is, though: I’m not the girl Lily Collins is playing in some hyped up Netflix movie about anorexia. I’m not your dying girl on a feeding tube in a hospital.

I’m not the girl that people shook their head at in the street, and I wasn’t the girl who had a movie scene moment with an indie one-hit wonder theme.

I was just a girl with an eating disorder – and I was simply boring.

“I guess it’s that,” I said. “I was bored. I wanted a different story. Got tired of the one I was writing.”

I wasn’t dying, but what is being alive glass-eyed? Tripping over your feet? Unaffected unless it directly relates back to calories burned or food lost. Food doesn’t give you love.

Saw fields and mountains and beaches for years n’ all I thought was how long I could run them – till every calorie of food was gone.

Look at pictures and remember events in my life by what I ate, threw up, or didn’t eat. “Ah yes, that picture. I had just hidden grape leaves in my back packet. Smushed them later in the car when I sat down. Smelled rank.”

“I guess I just eventually got bored enough to ask myself ‘what else is there?’ I ended up saying. “And that was enough for me. Eating disorders are boring. People grow tired of you. You get tired of yourself; sit in the same 8-10 revolving thoughts all day. I was just … I was tired of feeling nothing.”

I wanted something else to live for. I wanted to cry again; like big ole’ tears. And laugh the most genuine of my 7 laughs (still have them). I wanted to have shit days and joyful ones – and love affairs that wouldn’t last, and anger. I wanted to go on dates and road trips n’ eat camp food because it’s there. Party till 2am or sit in a lazy river. I wanted to run around at a hot springs or laugh at a meal with girlfriends. I wanted to gossip. Dance. Try some blues moves. Read a novel. Fuck up.

I just wanted to be a person who no longer found the word ‘boring’ an acceptable meaning for a life.

A lady who lives out of a suitcase – than motionless in a box, eyes wide open – feeling nothing.

‘Cause honestly, what woulda’ been the point otherwise? I reminded myself that then: biting down into my tacos – what else is the bloody point?
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13 thoughts on “A Reminder: Your Eating Disorder Is Boring

  1. Pingback: “You Must Eat Intuitively … But, Actually, Eat At Exactly 8am, 12pm, 3pm, and 6pm”: The Truth About ‘Intuitive Eating’ In Recovery – I Haven't Shaved In 6 Weeks

  2. mydisruptivelife – fun, crazy life, Adult children, being a granny, fitness obsession, commom law marriage ( if I lived in another state) lol, vegan/vegetarian, Addiction, anxiety, Divorce, dog lover, loud, ADHD, full time Job, kids in college, just a family full of so much energy and basic shit that life throws at you. Love my live......... but god damn its hard sometimes!
    mydisruptivelife

    Thanks for sharing

    http://Www.mydisruptivelife.com

    Check it out

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  3. Jessiocapudding – I let my heart define me, not an "About Me" section. Feel free to get to know me via my photos and thanks for dropping by!
    Jessiocapudding

    Thank you for sharing this, I absolutely love your writing style and content.

    1. Lindsey Hall – Brooklyn, NY – Eating Disorder Recovery blogger at award-winning I Haven't Shaved in Six Weeks.com & Lindsey Hall Writes. IG: @lindseyhallwrites
      Lindsey Hall

      Thank you, you lovely, lovely soul. Separation always – because it is not the only part of you. <3

  4. E – I'm a writer, artist, speaker and trainer recovering from an acute episode of life that started in the projects. I was born in Providence. Aren't we all?
    E

    This: “I wanted to gossip. Dance. Try some blues moves. Read a novel. Fuck up.” You’ve come a long way in a month. Your recent hiking adventure is proof. Keep being amazing. 😉

    1. Lindsey Hall – Brooklyn, NY – Eating Disorder Recovery blogger at award-winning I Haven't Shaved in Six Weeks.com & Lindsey Hall Writes. IG: @lindseyhallwrites
      Lindsey Hall

      I don’t know that I had either before it just spilled out into words 🙂

  5. Britts Amelia – Australia – 22. Ex-dancer. Jesus Feminist. Very bad at autobiographies, apparently. Studies brains and science.
    Britts Amelia

    Yes yes yes! I have to keep reminding myself of this! Thank you <3 xx

    1. Lindsey Hall – Brooklyn, NY – Eating Disorder Recovery blogger at award-winning I Haven't Shaved in Six Weeks.com & Lindsey Hall Writes. IG: @lindseyhallwrites
      Lindsey Hall

      Ahhh thank you, you wonderful soul <3

  6. DGGYST – DGGYST is a small business owner, ex-foster child, super wife, child & sexual abuse survivor, world traveler, amazing cook, and financial mastermind who has gone from homeless to happy. DGGYST is an odds-beater, an ass kicker, and a name taker.
    DGGYST

    This post is gorgeously written. Eating disorders are thieves, they steal your goals, the interesting ones.

    1. Lindsey Hall – Brooklyn, NY – Eating Disorder Recovery blogger at award-winning I Haven't Shaved in Six Weeks.com & Lindsey Hall Writes. IG: @lindseyhallwrites
      Lindsey Hall

      Man, always. They just steal your life. The steal the presence from it. They steal all those moments that eventually – you’ll be on your death bed – and think “I wish I had been there.”

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