This Is Why You Relapse

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Heavy-hearted, I write today.

Truth is, this headline is declarative. I have no idea why you relapse.

As I sit here in a coffee shop – mulling through this post – I got a call from a close friend.

“Have you talked to X lately?”

“No… He dropped off a couple months ago and stopped answering me, so I assume he’s relapsed.”

“Linds, it’s bad. Just feel you should know before you hear from anyone else. His liver and kidneys are failing. Was in ICU for 13 days. Respiratory failure. Got out and got back on the painkillers. Sister found him slumped over a coffee table. He’s going to die if he doesn’t get help… and I don’t know if you want to reach back out – but we’re trying anything.”

I stared at my phone.

Stomach sinks. Not because it’s unexpected – but because it’s so expected and yet, no matter how much you can prepare for anything – you never know when the day will just come.

My ex might very likely die, which is two of my exes that I am waiting for that call.

“He’s gone.”

I received it once already – when my best friend fell out of a tree.

And I know it’s only a matter of time these days, before I get it again.

Being a messy person creates a messy life. And I have always held a love for messy people.

Continue reading “This Is Why You Relapse”

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Eating Disorder Community Responds: What’s The Hardest Part Of Holiday Season & How Can A Loved One Help You?

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Thought it might be a helpful post, this time of holiday year, to remind everyone struggling with eating disorders and recovery and this and that mental illness –

That there is a wide ole’ community in the world that is struggling with you.

That every few people you pass in an airport or on the street, one of them has thought or felt the same way that you have felt. To some degree. In whatever way their reality shapes for them.

I posted a question on Instagram: “What’s the hardest part of holiday season & how has a loved one helped you?”

The responses are varied, but the sentiments are similar.

Continue reading “Eating Disorder Community Responds: What’s The Hardest Part Of Holiday Season & How Can A Loved One Help You?”

A Reminder: It’s Okay To Be Utterly Scared Of Recovery

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Made a choice this time 4 years ago — full of fear – walking into rehab:

Perhaps I’ll run around forever — healing my brain and my body — perhaps I’ll fail — and perhaps I’ll never know all of the answers — but maybe I’d never want to, anyway.

S’pose that’s all we need sometimes — the freedom to reshape and believe whatever the hell we need to believe to get on with life.

Spent this morning and night on a roof — only to remember that I’m pretty far from knowing anything — but recognizing  a couple things: what I want and how I’m gonna get it.

Laughed with a best friend.

“Get used to your destiny babe,” he said. “Writing – recovery – all that stuff you talk about – it’s part of your life — forever. Accept it and blossom with it.”

We stared at the full moon.

Continue reading “A Reminder: It’s Okay To Be Utterly Scared Of Recovery”

“You Must Eat Intuitively … But, Actually, Eat At Exactly 8am, 12pm, 3pm, and 6pm”: The Truth About ‘Intuitive Eating’ In Recovery

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This post has taken me a long time to write.

(What’s new? Generally speaking, everything I write takes me till the next half moon … but I think I like starting posts off by saying something declarative to build anticipation … probably some public relations gimmick. I’m a fraud.)

ANYWAY, this post is hard because I don’t have a solution.

Usually, if I’m going to blabber on about a topic, I like to have an end in sight – but this one is different because I’m not an intuitive eating coach.

I’m just a girl with an eating disorder that feels confused by ‘intuitive eating’ methods – vs reality.

It’s not that intuitive eating shouldn’t be an end goal, it should. In my humble opinion, we all deserve to chow down on Pecan Pie at 4pm on Thanksgiving and move on with our lives.

But, I still feel like 4 years into recovery – and I’m often asking myself “what the hell is intuitive eating?”

Continue reading ““You Must Eat Intuitively … But, Actually, Eat At Exactly 8am, 12pm, 3pm, and 6pm”: The Truth About ‘Intuitive Eating’ In Recovery”

Let’s Get Real: Are You A ‘Half-Assed’ Anorexic?

Well, are you?

Alright, so before you bite my head off in T-Swift “Look What You Made Me Do” fashion:

Let me explain.

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Continue reading “Let’s Get Real: Are You A ‘Half-Assed’ Anorexic?”

Boycott The #TransformationTuesday: Anorexia Is Not About Weight

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Posted this on Instagram the other day, but thought it’d be a good Tuesday post here.

Just gonna say it: I am sick of the social media #TransformationTuesday “before and after” pics of eating disorders.

Continue reading “Boycott The #TransformationTuesday: Anorexia Is Not About Weight”

“I’ll Never Let Go, Jack… Er, ED”: Is Anorexia Your Forever Love Affair?

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The other day, I saw a Facebook picture of a person I will forever define as “a lifetime love affair.”

… Okay. That’s a lie. I went purposely creeping through his Facebook page, dug past his borderline-conspiracy-theorist-Facebook-belief private settings – and ended up clicking over to his current girlfriend’s page – ogled over her natural European thinness – and tried to find remote evidence of her ‘plain’ personality via a couple pics.

We all have a few of these people – sprinkled throughout our lives – like quicksand dissolving through our fingers.

She seems ‘right’ for him. I said it aloud.

We ended as we were meant to, I reminded myself.

She loves him. I don’t wanna know.

You don’t know that person anymore.

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As I laid back on my pillow, there was a picture I noticed on her notably less privacy-clad page (she must be strong-willed, I decided, to ignore his constant conspiracy rants) – and it was the two of them on a Scandinavian mountainside. A black spaghetti strap falling down her tan shoulder, a black t-shirt clinging to his stomach from wind-blow. They had backpacks on, surrounded by friends who seemed equally as attractive and ‘mountain-approved’ by an REI commercial.

A flicker of angst: “A life that could’ve been mine, and wasn’t.”

Continue reading ““I’ll Never Let Go, Jack… Er, ED”: Is Anorexia Your Forever Love Affair?”

“I Had The Flu, So I Lost Weight”: Anorexia – Illness – An Excuse To Relapse?

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I’ve written about this concept before so some of this blog post may look familiar.

I’ve been sick as a dog with the bloody flu. It’s that time of year.

Sucking down cough syrup n’ currently, a hot toddy. (I’ll claim that’s why I have that ill-placed smile on my face lolz.)

Anyway, just a reminder to y’all out there battling flu or colds – this is not a get out of jail free card to just “stop eating” because you have an excuse.

Continue reading ““I Had The Flu, So I Lost Weight”: Anorexia – Illness – An Excuse To Relapse?”

When You Miss Anorexia: 5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before A Relapse

Last Sunday, I gave the keynote speech at the Denver NEDA walk.

It was meaningful, full of women and men I got to meet in person versus online.

I felt a lot of connection and intimacy – and an environment where people understand each other.

I also felt lonely.

Continue reading “When You Miss Anorexia: 5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before A Relapse”