It is 11:07am on a Wednesday morning – Afternoon? Brunch? Can’t we millennials just coin the 11-1:00pm timeframe as “brunch hours?” It seems much more distinguishable.
Afternoon always sounds late. The 1-4:00pm day-drag hours.
Anyway, it’s 11:09 now – And my white jeans are currently feeling snug around my waist, increases near my bellybutton from hours of wear, and I am sitting in my office swivel chair on a lunch break, pounding furiously on a keyboard.
It’s distracting – these jeans. My legs are Indian style in an attempt to combat the tightness – I am breathing more shallow to provide less stomach movement, and I’m preoccupied, right now, by whether or not what I ate for breakfast will make me gain weight – as though weight can now magically be defined by one meal.
Isn’t it interesting – and morbidly fascinating – what we carry around of our eating disorders.
Last night, I hung out with a person I’m dating and my best friend from college. They happen to be roommates. Hungry, as thin men always seem to be (sorry for the stereotype but seriously. It’s like all thin dudes could eat a person and shit it out by the end of the day – never gaining an ounce.)
Anyway, we went to Chipotle. I ordered a burrito bowl. Light on the sour cream. In retrospect, what does that even mean – ‘light on the sour’? Isn’t it really just a justification for getting sour cream at all? I wonder at times. I think I just like saying the words “light on the ____,” so it symbolizes to the bored-looking high school burrito-maker that “I care about my weight. I know I’ve been gaining lately – you can probably tell – but, I’m in control of it.”
I ate half my bowl, the three of us nestled around a wrought-iron black table. Snorting through giggles, sneaking bites of the others. Listening to my best friend moan about being single again. In one sentence – excited for the prospective women. In the next – moping over how his ex is Satan’s love-child.
The guy I’m seeing squeezes my thigh under the table – giving knowing smirks to one another as my best friend announces he’s going to “take up dancing lessons” in the wake of this break up. In another declaration, “fly to Brazil and make love to beautiful foreign women.”
Frankly, I had to. I’d been struggling- I mean I could sugarcoat it and say I just was so overwhelmed with my new happy and recovered life that I couldn’t find the time to write- but the truth is I just couldn’t find the place. The little place in my brain that continues to try and keep recovery in perspective.
The truth is sometimes you want to be sick- because it’s easier. And it’s what you know. You want to have your routines- And live by them like you did before. You miss counting calories- you miss losing weight. And mostly, you miss the satisfaction of doing all of it and feeling good about yourself.
In light of the summer’s wedding season (and 4th of July) I decided to pull my writing back out of the time warp of rehab- and bring it to a present location.
While I love (and can only hope) I’m bringing comfort to those that struggle with body image and all that that entails- I also want to be realistic. I don’t want anyone to walk away from this little series of mine feeling like I bullshitted them on how life is peachy keen when you go off for a couple months.
It’s just not- but tis’ life- and I’m figuring it out as I go.
Goodnight everyone- I’m so happy to be posting (And even wearing a bikini again!)
And you’re still waking up on Saturdays with a torn granola wrapper under the pillow beside you–
Your lips stained from red wine–
Sprawled out on the bed that sits too close to the floor because you’re still too poor to purchase those risers.
You open one eye-
Push away the pillow beside you, exposing three 90-calorie Peanut Butter and Chocolate Nature Valley wrappers trapped underneath.
Damn, you think fishing them out lazily with your free arm.
270 calories of granola.
You groan slightly-
Should’ve just bought the 200-calorie bar instead.
You feel down towards your stomach – push the sheet down to your hip.
Notice you smeared the bed with chocolate from one of the wrappers.
Feel a slight trace of your hipbone–
Think about Rehab.
Why couldn’t they teach you how to not wake up with one thing on your mind?
Like a prepubescent boy you’ve joked- “All they think of is sex- all I think about is weight. The carnal blessing.”
You run your hand up your chest, over your XL sorority t-shirt you used to wear around your college campus.
Feel your neckline.
Feel your chin- do you still have that acne spot?
You turn in your bed when you’re done- away from the wrappers.
Throw the grey blanket over your head.
Mad because you’re still hiding it- in the bed sheets, under pillows- wrapped in napkins.
The first week you got back home– you took a box of Cheez-It’s to your room.
Your dad asked you where they were the next day-
And you lied.
You don’t know why really-
You didn’t eat the box.
But it felt like you did-
And momentarily when he asked-
You thought maybe you had.
Face it, your recovery therapist says to you today. Lindsey, you will always have an eating disorder–
And you let it win last night.
You let it win the moment you chose to go out with your friends and pick at your dinner-
Two fish tacos– but you’d peeled the tortilla away from the fish, scraped the guac out of the sides- monitored the salsa.
You let it win when you drank your red wine too fast and ordered another to fill your stomach-
And you let it win when you went out till 3am and refused to get something substantial on the way home.
Instead, you chose a box of granola bars- 90-calories.
Because in your drunk mind you didn’t expect to eat 3/5 in the box.
Because in your drunk mind- you were in control-
Until you’re not.
So yes, you tell your therapist tonight- sitting in her Upper West Side apartment-
You do still have an eating disorder.
You have it when you think about going to the lake over 4th of July-
You have it when you think about your best friend’s wedding next week-
And you had it when you went to try on your maid of honor dress in March-
When your best friend cocked her head to the side in the dressing room- examining your discomfort to see if she could catch you lying when you said ”No I feel good in this.” (She really was kind to you on the material.)
And lastly, you say tonight– You have it still with those you hold closest-
But you’re just not talking about it anymore.
You can’t get away from it sometimes-
The routine of an eating disorder.
And now you’re here on your therapist’s couch on a Monday night- still having those days.
And that’s the truth.
The real truth– the one your therapist told you to share, but you didn’t.
I don’t want you writing on your blog anymore, she says to you after your 8th post. Not until you’re ready to be more honest with me– And more honest with yourself.
It’s Monday night, and you’re sitting at her kitchen table with some plastic ware- your dinner laid out in front of you after you’d admitted the week before that you’d started to skip meals in preparation for the wedding.
It’s hard to be honest- you say, throwing a grape in your mouth. Everyone wants life to be a happy ending, you pause. What’s the point in writing it if it doesn’t end with a perfectly tied bow? You take a sip of your water. Then it’s just self-deprecating and I’m already close enough to that as is.
Stop playing with your food, she says over her glasses- pointing at your wrap as you try discreetly to pull off the excess tortilla.
You can’t bullshit a bullshitter- did your mama ever tell you that?
In less frank terms- yeah.
She nods. You haven’t been honest recently- just judging by how you’re eating, she says. You can’t tell me you think this would be a Rehab-approved meal.
You shrug- It’s fruit and half a wrap.
That wrap has no protein.
She rolls her eyes. A thimbleful of hummus isn’t protein- she pauses. Have you lost weight? Your face looks thinner.
No, you say-
Feeling that shame for not being able to say ”yes.”
I think you have, she says flatly. I don’t see how you couldn’t eating like this and working out again.
I weigh 113, you say, wanting to change the subject.
She stares at you-
You stare at her.
113? She asks.
Something like that.
So you’ve been weighing, she says flatly.
You curse yourself for falling for it.
She rolls her eyes. You know it’s not about you Lindsey. This wedding- it’s not yours- she pauses. What you’re doing right now- if it’s solely for that event- then this is you being sick, out of touch, and completely self-absorbed.
You sigh, feeling like a dog with its tail tucked between its legs- even though you know she’s right.
What do you want Lindsey- your therapist asks. For everyone at that wedding to worry about you again? To be 5lbs thinner? Is it worth that?
I just want to be there, you admit- 5 days out. I want to watch her walk down the aisle- I want to remember it, you pause. I don’t want to miss it and I think I have it in my brain that if I just lose a couple pounds beforehand, I’ll be more present.
It doesn’t work that way, she says. And you know it. No amount of weight loss will ever be enough for you.
I know, you say. But I’ve just missed so much– those moments in your life, you pause. Not like the big ones- I’ve been pretty good about those– Just the small ones, you know? The ones you sit there and relive over and over wishing you had noticed this person more, or that tree more -or the sounds of whatever you were doing then- But I don’t, you say. I just rewrite the whole event to make me feel better.
You think you’ve rewritten your experiences?
Not in the moments that mattered- you say. Like you know those corny cliché moments–
Those staple key points that you’ve been told to remember since you were a kid, you pause. Graduation- Frist Kiss- Prom- First day of college- Death, you mention. I’ve always been cognizant about being present for those things.
Well, I imagine your best friend’s wedding is a sort of staple then.
It is, you say. But it’s not enough for me to just remember her taking her vows- or like when she and Josh have their first dance. I want to remember all of it. I want to remember dancing with her and not caring what I look like from what angle. Or get too drunk off wine because I’m avoiding food, you sigh. Am I making sense?
I’ve just done this so much- you say. Sometimes I think I get so nostalgic for things because in my heart – I know I missed the point of them– Even when I moved to Spain, right?
I moved there to create a life– I moved there thinking I’d be free of myself and I thought I could just kind of move past this shit in my head, you pause. Yet somehow it just got worse being alone. I had this whole chance, you shake your head. This whole entire chance to reinvent myself – what a beautiful opportunity, You smile. To get to be somewhere where no one in the world knows you-
And instead of grasping all that- instead of spending my time running around every country I could get my greedy little palms on- I just remember so much of my life there was about my weight–
You were sick, she says.
I missed the food though, you know? I missed experiencing food that wasn’t mine. I missed night’s out because I hadn’t factored alcohol into my calorie count for the day. I missed my life, you say. I was so tired all the time- running twice a day on a treadmill because I couldn’t run outside with no calorie counter. You look away.
I really hate that I did that– And I hate that I lie about it too. I act like I’m some free-spirit but the truth is I hardly noticed anything outside of where the gym route was- you stare at your therapist. I met people you know? I met people I’ll probably never see again- you trail off.
And it hurts me to think that I’ll never see half those people again and I didn’t have the clarity to appreciate them.
No one can appreciate every moment Lindsey, it’s not possible.
I know that, you say. But God I wish I’d had that gelato at least once.
And at least once I’d like to have gotten on a bus with no end point and just bopped around- you sigh. But when you’re as self-absorbed as I am, you just miss those things. You don’t have the freedom to leave where you are. You can have all these conversations, you say. Conversations that matter- and with strangers- you add. But you’re so damn consumed by your shit that eventually you just lose it. You lose the memory of it- forget the parts of it that affected you so deeply- you pause. So what do you do? You recreate it- and try not to remember that ya know- the first day I moved to Spain– I puked my breakfast up in the airport ‘cause I didn’t want my host family to think I was bloated. You pause. You recreate your memories, ya know? Recreate them so you feel like you actually were living in them and not just on the perimeter.
Lindsey, she says- looking at you. First of all, eat that. It shouldn’t take you 30 minutes to eat half a wrap, she says- with that maternal smirk on her face.You take a bite.
You forget this is your choice now- she says. Whether you want to be sick or not. You have the tools to get yourself in the right place- you had the opportunity to experience life outside of your sickness, she says. You sat in that facility for months relearning how to eat- what you can eat- and I know it shocked you the amount you could consume without gaining weight.
It did, you admit. And I know that- I do. I don’t ever consider throwing up again.
Good, she says.
I wouldn’t- you admit. I can’t. It’s like I can justify a lot of other things with this eating bullshit- but I can’t justify that. You pause–plucking out a mango cube from your fruit bowl. I didn’t even like it anyway- it was gross.
She snorts. No one truly does.
I think some people do though, you disagree. I mean girls in rehab lived to go puke their brains out. They loved that whole binge cycle- you shudder. I hated it.
Well, you aren’t a binger, she says. You’re first and foremost an anorexic. You don’t get that satisfaction from binging because you’ve trained yourself to not enjoy food.
You sigh. I’m getting better about it.
I know, she says. But you’re an anorexic. And that’s why you binged anything in the first place.
Yeah- no. That’s true, you admit. I remember understanding that more after getting used to those portion sizes, you pause. Just kind of realizing how ridiculous my idea of a meal was.
Is- she says, staring at your plate.
I know what I’m doing right now, you say. And you know I know what I’m doing.
Yes, she says.
I know it’s not enough- I just love the feeling. It’s like the anxiety of all this body image bullshit just melts away–
Do you like feeling hungry?
No, you say. God no. I hate it, you pause. But once that passes- cause hunger always seems to pass, it’s kinda what I attribute to a high.
I wouldn’t know, she says. I was never an anorexic. My problem all my life has been emotional attachment to food. I never knew hunger in the same way you experience it.
Well- that’s all I really think about it. It’s a high, you say. I feel that much more beautiful- like everything is being seen through rose-tinted glasses, you pause. It’s so vain- isn’t it?
She smiles. It’s a lot more than that.
Is it? You ask. Cause sometimes I think all the psychological crap doesn’t apply to me and I’m actually just that vain.
Well- she says. Let me ask you something.
You glance at her.
Don’t look scared- she almost laughs. I’m just wondering how much you considered how you grew up.
With my parents? You ask. God haven’t we talked about this a million times?
No I just mean in general. Your college experience, everything, she says.
I love how I grew up, you start. I had everything I could ever want.
She rolls her eyes. You always do this-
You make a face back.
I’m convinced it’s the Southern part of you–trying to preface a negative with a positive. Lindsey, she pauses. I know you had a nice childhood. I know you had a nice family– but that doesn’t mean aspects of your environment don’t play a part.
The media plays a role– The environment. Your mom’s thin, she says. It all bothers you-
Doesn’t bother me, you say. About my mom at least. She’s just always been this tiny perfect little human. You look at someone like my mom- and she just encapsulates everything I don’t feel like I have, you say. She’s disciplined. She’s smart, She has a career- a lot of the people we were around growing up, you pause. They only really had one working parent- but not my mom. She worked and cooked and cleaned and still found this insane ability to be hot too.
Your therapist nods. Did you feel like weight was judged where you came from?
Absolutely, you say- without hesitation. I think when you have the means to care about vanity- you do. Otherwise, it gets schlepped to the side, you pause. But I came from a nice environment. I come from a place where adults always look their best when they know they’ll be seen and where weight, to me at least, was always a sign of intimidation in a way.
She nods. I understand that.
I think if you were wealthy, you say. Wealthy and well-known- even if it was just within the city perimeters- then you automatically felt a pressure to prove to people how flawless and wonderful your life was- even if it was crumbling behind closed doors. Isn’t that the media’s take too though? You ask rhetorically. If you look presentable or put together- well then everyone assumes you are okay. You get a free pass. You can do shitty things and still get away with it. You can have a life’s worth of real problems plaguing your mind- but hey, as long as you look good and don’t show up too drunk everywhere, people tend to ignore them.
She nods, changing subjects. What is it you want to be then, Lindsey?
I’m figuring that out, you say. I want to be my mom- and also not at all, you snort. Because when I try it doesn’t happen for me with the ease it happens with her- and that’s exhausting to compete with. You look at your therapist. It’s selfish you know? Cause I wanna be everything. I want to be every person imaginable- I think it’s why I’m fascinated by people so much, you pause. And eventually I guess I feel like I’m just going to have to conform to one thing.
Who told you that?
No one, it just happens I feel like. You can’t represent everything.
I don’t think that’s accurate, she says. I think once you’re comfortable with yourself, you don’t hide behind one image or another. When you’re truly comfortable, I think you quit trying to define yourself. You just are.
You smile. You have nice words-
She smiles back- and the two of you sit in silence for a moment- you taking your last bite of your wrap.
You know, my mother-in-law told me once-
You were married? You interrupt her.
She nods. I don’t like to talk about my personal life with patients.
Yeah- but I always wondered if you had a spouse.
I did, she says. He passed now- some years ago.
Was it happy?
She nods. It was a good marriage- yes. We were the best of partners.
That’s nice, you say. Cause I like to think that you had that- even before you told me.
She laughs. No, I wasn’t always an old woman alone in her apartment.
Anyway, my mother-in-law used to tell us- she pauses. And she was a lovely woman- so calm- and she used to tell us when we first got married, your therapist makes a gesture with her hand. “you, Ellie, you are as beautiful as you see yourself, as smart as you speak, and as okay as you feel,” She smiles. And may your life be as simple as you allow it to be.
You eat a piece of strawberry off your fork. Sounds like one of those self-help keychains, you grin. But I like it.
She nods. Think about it though- when you’re at this wedding- When you’re off seeing that person you’re dating. Think about what they want from you that’s real- and not self-absorbed.
Be the healthy you- because you know where that is when you try to find her.
And be a partner, she pauses. Be someone else’s partner and I promise you the trivialness of what you worry about now will cease when you allow yourself the opportunity to be loved by someone that doesn’t love the sick version of you.
I’ll try, you smirk. I’m trying Doc.
I know- she says. I’m waiting for it.
3 days go by-
And you find yourself now, in a hair salon on a Saturday morning at home- watching the make-up artist put finishing touches on your best friend’s skin.
You look beautiful baby- you smile at her.
She’s stressed- you can tell- she’s always been a worrier, you think trying to dodge out of her way as she barrels through to get her hair pinned.
You’re excited for her.
She is your best friend.
And last night the two of you finished off a bottle of wine at your parents and looked at old pictures of yourselves when you were in the 5th grade- modeling for your mom’s camera in the backyard beside a tree.
You watch her now 15 years later as she moves, takes a sip of her champagne- her round blue eyes darting all over the place calculating whether or not the day’s on schedule-
And you’re reminding yourself at every moment when you see her eyes drift over to you- give you that look of concern- that you won’t be that friend to her.
That you have a choice to be that human.
Linny- can you eat please? She says- pointing over to the sandwich trey.
And for a moment, you want to do that thing you do.
That thing where you brush her off. Say you’ve eaten too many nuts from the nut bowl- say you’re full from the strawberries and cheese you think you’ve been practically engulfing since you got to the hair salon.
But today, you look at her.
Your best friend.
Who wrote handwritten letters while you were in rehab.
Who you send each of these posts to for editing.
Who knows your schemes and your tears and your lies-
And your manipulative way of turning the attention back around to you when you shouldn’t-
But has never once called you out in front of others.
You look at her today- with her hair half up
And her white ”Bride” button down hanging near her thighs
And you consciously make the decision that you won’t do that to her.
Not today anyway- not on her day.
You’d spent months thinking about this-
How you’d hope you wouldn’t ruin it for you- and slightly for her.
Knowing all she wants is truly what you want-
Just to be there.
So be there, you think. Because this day is here.
Be there, Linds. Because it’s really not so complicated unless you allow it.
Not so difficult unless you make it.
This day- this one you have with her
It’ll pass- and it’s your choice what you want to remember from it.
So you eat a chicken sandwich.
And you dance with her on her wedding, fluff her veil like you promised you could.
You held her bouquet.
You didn’t get too drunk at the open bar- and you didn’t think about whether or not you had “back fat” in your dress.
You held her hand as you guys lined up to walk down that aisle- you looked back to her before you walked out in front of her-
Gave her that look. The one you two have always shared.
You’re beautiful- you mouthed.
And you saw in her eye, you saw when she caught yours and grinned back at you- nerves heightened-
That she was grateful.
You love her, you think as you walk down her aisle.
You love her- and when you were little girls, the two of you used to sit in your room together- talking about weddings- about the people you’d end up with- about the lives you’d create together when you had kids- How ‘’Crazy Aunt Lindsey’’ will take her kids off her hands when she needed a break. How you’d feed them too much sugar then send them back with a note pinned to their backs saying ‘’SORRY….. LYLAS”
You have good friends at 25 years old, you think that evening- surrounded by plenty of them. You have good friends and tons of weddings, and you want to be there for each one of them.
You don’t want to miss another Christmas, another New Years, or another event because you’re too sick to be there.
You have a choice- so tonight you made the right one.
And now some days have passed since then.
And you still miss it sometimes.
Those moments the sun reflects off the skylines when you leave work-
The way umbrellas move in the rain-
In sync- unabashed-
Pushing forward- not knowing how to settle in the wind-
Sometimes you forget to smile back at a baby that looks up at you on the subway-
The homeless man that asks for a dime-
You miss nights with your friends because you don’t want to pretend to be healthy-
But you’re learning.
You think about the times you’ve lost someone- lost a moment-
You wonder sometimes-
What it means that you lost them-
Still glad you had these moments
No matter how you reinvented them down the road
That you can find solace in the idea that they existed at all-
That you know there were those people-
Places for you to reinvent-
A person you sat with into the wee hours of the night-
The water lapping up on your ankles when you walked along side each other
You remember the times you were cold- your coffee warming your palms-
The way you noticed someone you cared about pull their coat to their chin.
You weren’t healthy then- and these people and these places in your life weren’t always yours to keep-
But you’re thankful that they gave you empathy-
And that you have the choice to remember to appreciate them.
This weekend, you’re going to see someone-
And you’re scared.
They’re scared- even if they don’t say it-
Scared you’ll be uncomfortable-
Scared you’ll lose that fire you have-
Your ability to relate to others when you choose to.
The way you can adjust to places and feel accepted in a group of people you’ve just met
You do lose it-
You’ll lose it at some point this weekend too-
Lose it when you can’t get away from yourself.
But there’s a clarity in knowing it’s your choice-
And that you know more than you knew before.
Sometimes you want to be sick-
You miss it-
You want to remind yourself that it’s there-
To remind yourself that it exists.
That you’re not making it up-
Sometimes- just to feel normal
It’s a fine line-
And you don’t always know which side you’ll find yourself on-
Which one feels better.
But you do think you’re learning how to be with someone –
And it perplexes you-
To be with someone because of what the two of you could create-
And not because you believe they’ll help you escape yourself.
You’ve never been honest before-
And you’re not sure you’re always honest now.
But you will board a plane-
Knowing it’s true what rehab told you-
That you can’t love someone when you’re sick.
You’re beginning to understand it-
In the way that’s slow and evolving-
In a way that helps you-
You bought a bikini this week- you bought it.
And you wore it once- even though you ordered the bottoms one size too big.
You wore it to practice before you went.
So you can go on this trip- and meet this person’s family-
And you can talk to them without being preoccupied-
And so this person can sit there and not worry about whether or not you’ll eat when you’re feeling exposed.
You’re making the decision now- that you are going to be the healthiest version of you for this person-
Now only for them- but also, for you.
And you hope this person understands what that means.