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All The Truths About Eating Disorders, Rehab and Recovery

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This is the school counselor. Thank you so much to speaking to our girls. It was very powerful. One of the girls came to me after. It was about the grief connection and ED. You made a difference for her! – Texas School Counselor

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Wandering around NYC tonight — wedding dress shopping with my best friend. Watching her smile — • Oh gosh I just really don’t care about the little shit right now, and I love being here, shimmy shammying in her happy lil way. • Recover so you can just show up — however you can, live your life 💛✨🌇 • • • #recovery #anorexiarecovery #edfam #mentalhealthawareness #bulimiarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #bingeeatingrecovery #selfcare #recoveryispossible #haes #mentalhealth #soberlife #edfamily #recoveryfamily Had a call with @projectheal this morning, talking synergy between all things recovery and outdoors — then zipped up my bag to go back to NYC and roam the streets that changed my life. • Best friend & I texting earlier “oh god you remember the stoop in Bushwick apt?” • You basically lived on that stoop she texted. Bc you always lost your keys. • And smoked cigs, I snorted writing back. • Wonder how X is doing? • I could hear her moan as she typed. That was a terrible phase idk what I was thinking. • Smiled. You and I both. • I often feel about nyc — that I made a lot of mistakes that I’m thankful for now, but would never want to repeat. • First years out of rehab. First years in recovery — first years learning how to eat and drink and socialize and live. • Fell in love in that city, and got crushed. And in turn I crushed others. One I’m having lunch with tomorrow. • Started writing in nyc - my blog - and what a bloody blessing I never would’ve pursued without that NYC energy. • Love all the parts of my life - in all their moons and phases. • Will watch my best friend try on wedding dresses this weekend, smile as she turns and sashays. • Remember how once I thought I’d marry a woman I was with in NYC - before that a man. Before that another and another. • Hopefully feel comfortable with the now as it is — eat freely and comfortably. And mostly wholly. • Apologize to that big ole city for stamping cigs on its pavement, and thank it for forcing me to grow. • Tis all we can do — love the life we have, as helpless as we are to it 💛🌇✨ #nyc #recovery #edfam #edfamily #projectheal #mentalhealth #anorexiarecovery #bulimiarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery Birthday dinners missed, family outings ruined, isolation, ghosting, lying, manipulation, having lovers find out via walking in on me in the bathroom — or my brother finding out after my parents. • There’s shit you have to atone for in all this - and at some point the shame will cease and the growth will shine. And you’ll want to say “hey I’m sorry.” • I am sorry. • To you and to me and to the time and the years. • I am sorry I didn’t know then what I know now. • But I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to fit the puzzle pieces together — so it doesn’t happen again 💛✨ • • #recovery #anorexiarecovery #edfam #mentalhealthawareness #bulimiarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #bingeeatingrecovery #selfcare #recoveryispossible #haes #mentalhealth #soberlife #edfamily #recoveryfamily Told my partner’s mom about my eating disorder “rehab story” tonight — One of those interesting lil life moments. • Of course she knows I have the blog and knows I have struggled, but how vulnerable the situation suddenly becomes — • When you’re telling your partner’s mother that Thanksgiving 5 years ago you were binge eating cereal and your dad laid the boxes out on the table at 2am when you came home shit canned from a wedding, with grilled cheese in a coat pocket. • Funny how humans are — I can tell the story to all of you. I don’t know many of you, and I also feel heard via the community. Therefore it becomes easier to tell the story as though it didn’t really happen to me. Or as though I’ll relate. • But looking at another mother - with her concern and love and utter uncertainty at how to respond “properly” — What a vulnerable moment. • Which reminds me to remind all of you tonight: • Changing your life is hard. And it is scary to tell people you’re doing it. • And it will be hard for a long time to know what pieces of your story you want to share, and which you’d rather keep inside. • Dating is hard in recovery because, if you’re open about it, at some point a piece of your story will escape to your partner or their family — and you’ll have to cling tight hoping you’re confident enough to own it and strong enough to endure their response. • I love my partner’s mother, and we have spent hours together. Yet it took me a year and some months to share the time I was not already a “recovered strong azz woman” and more a “hurting, suffering 24 year old.” • She hugged me tighter than usual tonight, whispered “thank you,” as we left. We shared that look of connection. • Back home on my couch — Netflix in order. • Once again, utterly human - and thankful 💛✨ • • #recovery #anorexiarecovery #nativecampervans #edfam #mentalhealthawareness #bulimiarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #bingeeatingrecovery #selfcare #recoveryispossible #haes #mentalhealth #soberlife #edfamily #recoveryfamily 2 months since I decided to start getting my alcohol shit in order 💛✨ • To think about “why” and “when” and “how often.” • 2 months of wondering: do I want this because I feel restless and complacent and on autopilot? Or because it’s habit? • 2 months of cause and effect — “is this worth it?” • I am learning, am growing — am sitting in this experience. • I am watching myself. Watching how I feel. • Experiencing Thanksgiving sober, nights out — and childhood home. • Observing how eating is changing — how much more I eat without my tendency to drink a glass of wine before the meal comes. • I’m less bloated, but haven’t lost weight. It’s glorious. • Mostly, I’m calm. And I’m making moves. • Changing jobs, sending those emails, looking at vans, trying out #vanlife via @nativecampervans. • I’m remembering to call friends more often — and of course, my mother. • I’m arguing less with my partner over the little shit bc I’m not tipsy and defensive. • I’ll have a glass of wine after 6 days of nada — and stop at that. Realize I don’t actually want more. • Have more energy to cook breakfast and less desire to spend money out at restaurants. • I sleep better. • Tonight, I beg you — take just a second: one or two — to ask yourself “why am I doing what am I’m doing?” • Am I drinking in place of food? Is it out of habit? Am I drinking cause I hate my body? • Ask yourself the tough shit — be willing to sit in discomfort as an “experiment” — see what unfolds 💛 • • #recovery #anorexiarecovery #nativecampervans #edfam #mentalhealthawareness #bulimiarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #bingeeatingrecovery #selfcare #recoveryispossible #haes #mentalhealth #intuitivedrinking #soberlife #edfamily #recoveryfamily 🚐✨ had a drag of a cigarette last night after 5 months of quitting smoking. • The most beautiful realization unfolded: • I don’t want this. • Smiled - handed the cigarette back to the person. • I hate this, I said - more to myself. • He grinned. Okay. And took a drag. • Sober as a bird, I looked at the snowy streets of Boulder. • One vice at a time. One vice at a fucking time. • And this one, quietly and without warning, faded from existence. • Not all are so simple — but when I look at my life over the last couple months, I think I just no longer currently feel compelled to scratch that forever cigarette itch. • What a freedom it feels — cigarettes a constant plague for years in my eating disorder. • Told friends about #vanlife last night thanks to @nativecampervans. How the experience is pushing me to buy my own, live out that dream. • Was calm and present and clear eyed. • Mostly, content — and I think that’s often harder than happy 💛 • • • #recovery #anorexiarecovery #vanlife #girlswhohike #nativecampervans #edfam #mentalhealthawareness #bulimiarecovery #vans #vanlifediaries #getoutside #eatingdisorderrecovery #bingeeatingrecovery #selfcare #recoveryispossible #haes #nosmoking #stopsmoking Feelings just are. Love this writer @iwrotethisforyou.me — gives me chills 💛✨ • • • #anorexiawarrior #mentalhealth #writing #recovery #anorexia #eatingdisorderrecovery #bulimiarecovery #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #bodylove #edfam #edfamily #recoveryispossible #bingeeatingrecovery #recoveryisworthit All the many choices, that led me to you ✨ • Get asked a lot about relationships after - or with - an eating disorder. • And the truth is I linger on those messages & often either respond with something mundane — or respond with something that’s trying too hard, too patronizing, or I just don’t respond at all. • Because I. Don’t. Know. • I don’t know how you have a relationship after/with an eating disorder & I don’t know how you tell your partner. • I didn’t tell any of mine prior to rehab. I was dating a woman at the time, Buckwick, Brooklyn Tinder lolz. Told her I was going to rehab less than 24 hours before I went. Irish exited, some would say. • She wrote me a letter later — we met up once when I was back. We moved on. • After rehab, I told partners (all like 600 of them prior to G cuz I constantly sought validation in my recovery body) pretty much upfront that I have an eating disorder. Because A. I had the blog so they saw anyway. Or B. I was trying to claim my own story. • Still feel that way. When you step outside of your own shame and tell it as is - then it becomes yours. The narrative becomes yours again and fuck anyone else and their preconceived stigmas. You own it. • You own your story, and if the person chooses to acknowledge that you’re a human with some shit, then they’ll stick around. If not, they won’t. And perhaps one day they’ll have their own shit & need someone to lean on. • You can’t control how people will react - all you can do is choose how you respond. • And truth is I’ve never dated anyone who wasn’t open to understanding the complexities. • Have ignorant comments been made? Hell yeah. You don’t know what you don’t know - & they didn’t either. • But there was never a question with my current partner. Never a doubt that he’d leave after I told him. • And I think that’s something worth noting. • There was no “okay but you’re fine now right?” • Only: “I want to know you as you are now, and you can share what you’d like.” • Some days he has questions (like when I outfit change 8x) & some days he is quiet. • But always, he is there — videoing me when I speak, pushing me when I’m complacent — choosing to love me as is 💛 #edfam #recovery Many of us use eating disorders to quell feeling shit. • And while this is likely the only time I’ll write about that moment in my life — I think it’s important to note that it happened. • Those thoughts happened. And I grieve the 18 year old girl I was. Perhaps if I had seen the severity of my eating disorder then, I could’ve saved a lot of years. • But, I couldn’t. • Instead I thought those thoughts — and I hated myself. Promised myself I’d never talk about them. • WTF is wrong with you, I asked myself. He’s dead. He’s dead - and you still can’t stop thinking about your body. • Eating disorders man. They run deep into the veins. • Forgive yourself for the thoughts that became entrenched. • They were not the ‘you’ you can be — and you are not a monster 💛 • • • #anorexiawarrior #mentalhealth #writing #recovery #anorexia #eatingdisorderrecovery #bulimiarecovery #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #bodylove #edfam #edfamily #recoveryispossible #bingeeatingrecovery #recoveryisworthit In many ways, my dream for recovery has remained the same through the years: To live a life so purpose-filled So uncomfortable So vibrant — That in turn I am too busy to judge another man. And too inquisitive to notice whether my choices are met with opinion. It’s really that simple for me — to live hard enough and uncomfortably enough to leave a story💛🚐🏔❄️✨ • • #recovery #anorexiarecovery #vanlife #girlswhohike #nativecampervans #edfam #mentalhealthawareness #bulimiarecovery #vans #vanlifediaries #getoutside #eatingdisorderrecovery #bingeeatingrecovery #selfcare #recoveryispossible #haes #mentalhealth #amwriting

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I wanted to drop you a line in appreciation for sharing your story. 1 of my twin daughters heard you on campus & the other 1 was quick to tell me about you in their NCL meeting. Both girls came to me at separate times to talk about what you had shared. You probably hear this all the time, but keep on keeping on sister. You definitely delivered your message in a very impactful way, especially to the unique species of the 13 yr old girl. This Daddy (& former educator) cannot thank you enough for being real w/ them and not sugar-coating some of the issues that you have dealt with and continue to conquer on a daily basis in your own right. – Middle School Coach With 2 Daughters

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