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This is the school counselor. Thank you so much to speaking to our girls. It was very powerful. One of the girls came to me after. It was about the grief connection and ED. You made a difference for her! – Texas School Counselor

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The point is: I didn’t unlearn my eating disorder thru a few months of rehab. Recovery is not some magical witch potion that waves a wand over you and kaboom - you’re free of the maniacal thoughts and habitual actions. • It’s simply the starting place to begin unlearning what is ingrained by culture, habit, marketing, and fear. • It takes years. It takes a lot of reflection. It takes a lot of “god I’m tired of living this way - there’s gotta be something better.” • It. Takes. Time. • Realized recently: I haven’t calorie counted in so long I can’t even recall the last time. • Thought to myself. Hey hey, guess it’s about time. • Shedding my skin - to figure out what else is under there 💛 • • #drunkorexia #mentalhealthawareness #anorexiawarrior #mentalhealth #writersofinstagram #writing #recovery #edfam #edfamily #anorexia #sober #eatingdisorderrecovery #amwriting #bulimiarecovery #fitspo #selfcare #selflove ❄️🌄🌲 Declared to a friend I ran into: “I’VE QUIT DRINKING!” And had to LOL, as I sit reflecting on my day. • This is exactly how I was when I got out of rehab. • I’ve literally been sober for all of like, what? 5 minutes - and I smirk writing this bc I always have such extreme tendencies to overstate and over-commit. • Did this so many times with my eating disorder. TODAY IS THE LAST TIME I BINGE. EVER. {insert like a ceremonial dance of waving cereal boxes goodbye}. • THIS IS IT. NO MORE X RUNS. • I WILL EAT ONLY CLEAN SO IM NOT TEMPTED!!! • It never worked. I have diaries full of grand proclamations about quitting the eating disorder train. • I’d go like 5 days and then something would happen - like I ate a cookie or some shit and I’d be like “OH WELL” {picture dramatic tone} “ITS OVER I LOSE!!!! I’m a failure!!!!” • All aboard the choo choo train. • So in the effort of being transparent here - I am not swearing off alcohol for the rest of my life. Instead, I’m rolling with a gut feeling - and that tick, that lil whisper, is telling me that no matter how mother f’in difficult sobriety is in a drunk world - I want more of it. • I want the taste. • I will have wine at some point. And, knowing how I am, I will write about it - contemplate how it feels again - watch how it resonates. And share. • But this time I won’t feel so ashamed that I did. • Bc I can’t do the “all or nothing” anymore. I’m a human and I make choices and sometimes those choices - in the moment - aren’t what I thought they’d be. And I live with them. Deal with them. Try to understand them. • So, for now, I am not drinking. And perhaps, at some point, I may have a drink and then go back to not drinking. Or I’ll set boundaries. Or I’ll decide I’m so f’in happy being clear headed - and content with this feeling of being productive past happy hour — and I’ll decide “meh I don’t need it like I once did.” • Point is: idk what this will end up as. • But as I sit here tonight, I announce that I am craving almond milk and calcium — and I notice that I am present. And I haven’t listened to drink cravings in a long time bc I usually drink wine. N’ that’s pretty neat 💛 • #recovery #sober #edfam Went on a double date last night — sober. • Tralalala - in the midst of impressive ass ppl in the world it doesn’t seem like that “big” of an accomplishment, but for my wino world it is. • Mostly because I enjoyed it ultimately — having secretly fretted & being totally honest - dreading the event all day. • It’s not like I haven’t done shit in my life sober - I went like 3 months back in 2015, when my ex was getting off opioids and staying at my parents. I saw his life turned upside down and thought “naw, taking a break.” • But it’s funny how time is - I seem to forget now WHY I enjoyed being sober those three months, or ever. • So I fretted - wondered if maybe the other couple would cancel. • At some point, thought to myself “why the F is this so difficult?” In high school, I was a social butterfly sober. College - an occasional sober socializer. Back then, I only really drank at dinners and parties but “brunch” or daily activities drinking was never my thing so I endured a lot of drunken/sober dynamic. • But over the last 7-8 years - peaking into “adult world” I’ve somehow become less & less accustomed to doing anything sober. Like SURPRISE y’all: adulthood doesn’t tone down drinking habits. Look at our culture. • Now it’s happy hours after work and networking events and seemingly even f’in like apple picking that requires cider or wine or beer. • We get used to it cuz everyone’s “doing it” and I lost like the ability to feel confident socializing without it along the way. Worried there’d be awkward pauses as I sipped my water - as though alcohol is the only reason I speak? • Point is I enjoyed last night. And I noticed feelings & anxiety alleviate slowly. Left that dinner feeling confident that I didn’t wine haze say some shit I didn’t mean or ramble on (as I do drinking) about the world and my 2 cents. • I listened. Mostly, I was able to listen. To my words and theirs. • Got up this AM - appreciated this perspective 💛Known @madelynmoon since we were in college funny enough - enjoy reading her mind. • And thanks to all of you lately - for your comments and DMs relating to this💛 • #recovery #edfam #soberliving #mentalhealth Sat around til late last night with my partner — cliche as can be, next to a fire 🔥 • Came home after a sober dinner with a friend. As I went to hug her goodbye, I couldn’t help myself. • God I was worried about being sober for this, I admitted. But it was nice. To remember it as it was. And not how hazy wine fog will position it. • She smiled. She’s never been a drinker. Yeah, it’s nice. You seem really at ease. • Laughed. Ohhh I always got shit in my head - just think wine makes it spew out in unconcentrated ways sometimes. • Came home. Joined my partner by our lil mountain home fire. • Why do humans spend so many of their most memorable events trying to erase them? • We got to talking. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t tipsy on an airport, I admitted. Or drunk at a Red Rocks concert. • Or Jesus, even just mildly tipsy at your parents house. • Paused. Doesn’t it seem counterintuitive to be half fucked for everything we do? Even exes, I paused. It’s like most of my memories of them are under some wine veil. I wonder sometimes if I stayed in wrong relationships cause I thought fun was being drunk with them everywhere we went. • Sighed. Idk anything anymore. • He smiled. • It’s like I battled thru the worst side of an eating disorder just to end up having to reevaluate everything else in my life. • He nodded. • What a pain in the arse, I mused. • But I’m tired of this lifestyle. Being tipsy isn’t - I guess - the same feeling it used to be. I get fuckin’ dark these days, I admit. I go into drinking thinkin’ like that it’ll provide some clarity - or some relief - and I’ve just noticed that’s no longer the case anymore - hasn’t been for awhile. • Proud of you, he mumbled as he fell asleep last night, arm around my waist. • I’m proud too, I said. For what - I’m not sure yet. But, we shall see 💛 • #drunkorexia #mentalhealthawareness #anorexiawarrior #mentalhealth #writersofinstagram #writing #recovery #edfam #edfamily #anorexia #sober #eatingdisorderrecovery #amwriting #bulimiarecovery #fitspo #selfcare #selflove Tired of being tipsy, I admitted to my partner while camping recently. • And yes, in this photo - that is 🍷 at my feet. • Restless, I said - lifting up the cup. Idk if the narrative is changing inside me on why I do it. • Or if I’m just more self aware to the habits I’ve created over the years. • Habits I’ve drafted since I was 16 - sipping “paint cans” at frat parties - or assuming that I have to slug wine over HH. • Looked at my partner. I need you to hear me say it once. • Ok. • It’s not doin’ it for me the way it used to. And I’m not at peace right now with it. • Support you however, he said. You thinking about another drinking sabbatical? • Eh - you know me, I said. Can’t be all or nothing. Just know this glass of wine isn’t doing anything ‘cept making me not give a shit about things I should give a shit about. • Is it affecting your eating? • I shrugged. Not in a way I’m aware of anymore, but it’s weighing me down. Feel like I used to feel with smoking. A tick. • Don’t want anymore negative habits. And I think the bigger question here is “why?” Why do I want to drink at every happy hour? Why do I feel obligated? Why is my first inclination to pour a glass before we watch Netflix or cook? • Why do I think I deserve a glass - when we all f’in know this shit kills you slowly. Alcohols a fuckin’ drug - and @holly reminds me of it so often that it’s annoying, but in my face. • When I first started writing about #drunkorexia, it was 2015 & for an @elitedaily piece on millennial binge drinking & eating disorders. • Wrote about it in relation to EDs. And the ways I used alcohol to avoid eating - and I think I’ve always kinda convinced myself “well I don’t do that now so I’m just a regular wine drinker like everyone.” • I don’t use alcohol to curb hunger cues - but I do use it to dull out. • Well I don’t get wasted ever, I defend. • But lately, those 2 glasses have become staple - its not working. • So, I ask you not to judge here - but know that this is going on for me, and I plan to write about this reality as I go. • Not angry ultimately; observant. Part of the flow. The flexible okay. Seeing a friend tonight for dinner; tea it is💛 #recovery #edfam ☀️ FL: 93 degrees. 🏔CO: hee hee c u @ 13 degrees. *chuckles, mmmk Colorado* • Back story - Saw pic; Ka-ching. Total beach shot. Thanks bro. • Looked again. “Oh shit, haven’t shaved underarms.” Gutted. Then thought: “oh snap. My blog says I don’t shave.” Ok validated. • Oh no: tag’s showing. • Then thought “I care way too much about this. Fuck awffffff.” • This weekend has been lovely - I’m gonna be cold come 2am when my {delayed} flight arrives. I think that’s all I really meant to say. So here’s lots of emojis to describe it💛🏝👙☀️🎾🕶🍳 • #florida #sanibelisland #sanibel #beach #mentalhealthawareness #anorexiawarrior #bingeeatingrecovery #mentalhealth #recovery #edfam #edfamily #eatingdisorderrecovery 🏝 🚲 ☀️In Florida - channeling @erintron and her wonderful scarfs n’ buns • Called my childhood ex on a bike ride today. • Near the house I grew up in over summers as a kid. • Heya, you. I left a VM. • Your voicemail always trips me out - I start. You say the words so articulately. Like, do you only have 90-year olds calling you? • I pause. Idk why I’m calling. I’m in Florida - I say. Back at the house. You remember it yeah? The one you came to when we were 16, 17, maybe 18 I think? • Anyway, I’m here. My parents bought it off my grandparents. Surprised my brother and I both. It was sweet ya know? They tried so hard. • I grin. Dunno how I’d ever afford this, but it feels fortunate that they can. Maybe I should’ve gone into banking. • Pull over on my bike. I guess I’m just calling to say hi. I think of you here. Got many memories in this place - growing up. • Being 14 and riding a bike alone. Man I felt so independent. • Passed the gazebo I wanted to get married in at some point - when I still believed in weddings. • Pause. • Haven’t been here since the day before I went to rehab. Surreal. • Took a couple swimsuit pictures today. Hated them. Deleted. But I thought of you and that time you wore some yellow button down on the beach. We were cute kids. • My mom and dad are so human now ya know. In their retirement years. It’s weird to realize it - that they’re in that place. • Kick my bike stand back up. • Alright I’m gonna keep riding now. • Think about how young we were then - slurpees and DVDs our nightly ritual. • Innocent. • Hope you’re doing well. Still remember the time you tried to ride no hands and fell over in the alligator creek. • Dumbass. • I hope you’re clean. • If you’re not, don’t call me back. You know the drill. • Sending you love - for all the little people we were, and continue to be. • Thanks for being part of my childhood 💛 • • #drunkorexia #bingeeatingrecovery #mentalhealthawareness #anorexiawarrior #mentalhealth #writersofinstagram #writing #recovery #edfam #edfamily #anorexia #eatingdisorderrecovery #amwriting #bulimiarecovery #fitspo #selfcare Cringe when I see some of the shiz I posted on my blog years ago. I don’t remove it bc it’s part of this whole saga in my life - but I do clearly remember how pressured I felt in the beginning to post about being great and post pictures of all my faults. Harping on the parts of my body I hated but now “loved”. • Post about my meditations or like my food schedule. Even posts about like how I ate freely - but still made sure to only name the “healthy” foods. • It happens. I continue to unlearn what’s engrained. • And I think there’s a victory there - I do. I’m absolutely not discounting the power of acceptance that posting bikini pics has for some of us. It serves its purpose for me. • Spent years hiding under baggy T-shirt’s and sweatpants, so when I exposed my body for what it is - there was a power to that. And continues to be. It’s kinda like “welp, here it is. Guess I can stop frontin’ that it’s any different.” • But there’s also a lot of pressure - internally and externally - to then live a recovered life that we see mimicked by “healthy” people. • I’m so shit at meditation. I try. Try again. And then go months where I don’t try. I’ve never done yoga. • I took medication in the beginning. It helped. I don’t take it now. • I prefer baggy black sweaters still often. It’s easy, known, and gets me out the door on time. I also wear dresses and sometimes a crop top. When I’m feelin it. • The point is it’s all kinda up to you how you choose to do all this. We can preach and ramble on social media about how to - but my way doesn’t look like your way. • It shouldn’t. My interests might be different. My body is different. My mental health is different. My background is different. • I model myself sometimes after other influencers or people. Always have to take a step back and be like “shit ok linds. Calm yo’self. This is your way, weaving and roaming as it goes.” • Flexible, as always, in its little ways of being okay 💛 • • • #drunkorexia #bingeeatingrecovery #mentalhealthawareness #anorexiawarrior #mentalhealth #writersofinstagram #writing #recovery #edfam #edfamily #anorexia #eatingdisorderrecovery #amwriting #bulimiarecovery #fitspo #selfcare For me: writing. Specifically dialogue ✍️. And showering regularly (only semi joking) ... oh and like healthy relationships, reading, cooking, any physical activity outside of running, ummmm social events, holidays, waking up pleasantly without stress fracture pain... caring for a dog, being present. • My last community question went a little bezerko with the anorexia tips n tricks comments (and yes, they are disabled. I c u. No peaking) sooo wanted to ask something that steers clear of that and really just opens up the idea of what we “lose” in our eating disorder lifestyle. • I also want to get to know you all in our little tiny ways that the internet provides. • As some of you know, I’ve really picked up on the cooking lately. • I’m enjoying it. Not loving it. Unsure if it’s a passion or a means of feeling more confident (the two confuse me) - but regardless, I continue doing it a few times a week & am feeling the confidence from it in how I show up for myself. • Writing, on the other hand, is the only lil passion I’ve ever known. Had it snaked into my bones by the time I was 4, writing stories about “Nora” and her brothers birthday. (I made her lil brother pretty much in the replica of mine. Creative linds) • Thank y’all for supporting what’s ingrained in me - to share and be open and tell my stories out loud or on my blog. • This community keeps me sane. Recovery lifestyle keeps me wanting more. • In the midst of creating a new pseudo blog about relationships. Hell, after 29 of them in 29 years - I think I got a little bit to say 😉💛 • • #drunkorexia #bingeeatingrecovery #mentalhealthawareness #anorexiawarrior #mentalhealth #writersofinstagram #writing #recovery #edfam #edfamily #anorexia #eatingdisorderrecovery #amwriting #bulimiarecovery #fitspo #selfcare #selflove #bodylove #bodydysmorphia Thankful is the only word I got today. Thankful to all of you who shared your stories with @drcolleenreichmann and I to make yesterday’s “not sick enough” presentation happen for the @eatingrecovery annual conference. • Sitting there in a chair an hour beforehand - Colleen and I talking down our nerves. “This is needed,” she reminded me when I jitterly (that a word?) had my knee bouncin. • You’re right, I said. Look at these stories. Think of our own. • We have to continue to battle against the stigmas and our own personal biases when it comes to what an eating disorder manifests as. • Had this moment in the presentation, while giving my personal story. Looked at a lady in the front table. • It was never about BMI or weight, I said. It’s not really about that ultimately is it? It’s the years you lose. • I ask your patients to write out a scene, I said. Write a scene about a moment in their life they wanted to do something - the way they pictured it going - and then the way it actually went while in the depths of that eating disorder lifestyle. • She smiled sadly and nodded with me. • Because it is a lifestyle, I said. It’s the train that you can’t get off of bc you don’t see the station. One day you’re restricting the next binge eating the next purging or dieting or shoving laxatives. It doesn’t matter - it’s all the lifestyle. • And I missed a lot of years ‘cause of it. Wondered around Spain for a year looking for gyms. • We got off the stage yesterday, after 20 min of questions. • Professionals lined up to ask more. A clinician crammed a piece of paper into my hand with emails on it asking for more resources and IG accounts that support marginalized bodies. • A reminder that while we have a long way to go — people do care. They are trying, just as we are. • And hopefully, together, we’ll realize that “not sick enough” is always sick enough - because healthy people do not yearn to be “sick enough” • ... now back to my 🍩 n’ coffee Sunday💛 • #erfcon2018 #eatingdisorderrecovery #edfam #edfamily #recovery #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #anorexiarecovery #bopo #bodylove #haes #recoveryisworthit

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I wanted to drop you a line in appreciation for sharing your story. 1 of my twin daughters heard you on campus & the other 1 was quick to tell me about you in their NCL meeting. Both girls came to me at separate times to talk about what you had shared. You probably hear this all the time, but keep on keeping on sister. You definitely delivered your message in a very impactful way, especially to the unique species of the 13 yr old girl. This Daddy (& former educator) cannot thank you enough for being real w/ them and not sugar-coating some of the issues that you have dealt with and continue to conquer on a daily basis in your own right. – Middle School Coach With 2 Daughters

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