Christmas Eve – and… donuts? 🍩🎄❄️️ ((or otherwise known as a time of general food anxiety, fear of weight gain, and constant body checking))

Such a balancing beam between the holidays we are born into believing in – and the reality that takes place when you have an eating disorder.

Went on a run this morning with my partner. Ran straight past a Dunkin Donuts. “Let’s get donuts for my family,” he said. “I got the dog; you go in and pick it out.”

I. Fucking. Cringed.

“Asshole,” I mumbled.

He grinned. “It’s good for you.”

So on I went – trudging in – trying to do this thing where I acted like I’d never eaten a donut before. “Do you do a 1/2 dozen?” I asked innocently.

(I mean seriously… I’m 27 years old. I know that Dunkin Donuts will sell me a half dozen.)

The girl nodded. “Whatever you want,” she said tiredly.

“Oh,” I slightly guffawed. “well I don’t really know the flavors – I DONT REALLY EAT DONUTS,” I enunciated.

((I wanted her to know.))

This went on for a bit. I chose a sprinkled chocolate donut and a cake strawberry, a blueberry, a glazed (that I actually said “Oh! Is that a glazed one?”) and eventually I waked out rattled.

My boyfriend snorted. “God that took you forever.”

I made a face. “Well, I made sure they didn’t know I ate them.”

“I’m sure you did, but you did it.”

I nodded – took the dogs leash. We picked up our speed. We walked around the block on a sunny Christmas Eve in Colorado Springs.

I held the box the whole way back to his home.

I’d be lying if I said i didn’t think about those donuts

But, as we walked – he pointed out the namesakes of his life.

He pointed out a restaurant his friend’s Dad owned.

A park he used to run around in. I found myself distracted.

Holidays are about being present – which is why we’re so bad at them.

We moved on. We went home. We watched Christmas movies with his family.

I hate half a bloody donut.

Did I think about it? Sure. I’m human. I’m not a body posi coach.

I’m not an inspirational leader.

But, in spite of all of that – I still found a way to make those memories.

And I’m thankful to have the moments of clarity – thankful for my family and their ability to overlook my neurosis – and thankful to have a boyfriend who has a family that reminds me there’s more to pay attention to 💛