As so often happens, “weekend Orthorexia” creeps into me after I’ve worked out. What is it about that voice in your head?
Had a nice, 6-mile run and then immediately came home and couldn’t decide what to eat.
“If I just DON’T eat, well then those calories will be saved,” I always initially (and gleefully) think. “Whatever I eat will make me bigger. NOTHING is safe.” My Braveheart chant sings.
I’ve always had a little bit of an issue with working out and then eating. Somehow, it feels like when I work out- my appetite tends to dissipate for awhile afterwards; Even though I know I need to be eating. Does anyone else feel that way?
Anyway, I went to the little grocery store by my apartment and found myself doing what I always do when I’m in this position; walking up and down- and up and down- back down and elsewhere- into the store unable to decide what is “acceptable” to my ED to eat.
But alas, at the end of the day it’s a choice to hurt yourself- and I’m enough in recovery to understand that. It’s a choice to live by your ED and a choice to weigh your healthy voice over what your weird, instinct desire is telling you.
Fruit? Do I need the (natural) sugar? Cheese? Do I need the protein and fat. Bagel chips? Do I need the carbs?
Yup. I do. Cause I can’t live my whole life being scared of food.
I spent years of my life researching food; memorizing calories.
Years of my life google searching until my eyes felt like they were burning out of my head.
I’m tired of it.
I deserve better.
And it just ain’t no life at all.