Remembering tonight that 2 years ago pineapples had “too much sugar,” strawberries had “too many pesticides.” iceberg lettuce held “not enough nutrients,” soy sauce had “too much sodium,” cashews had “too much fat,” and quinoa salmon patties held “too much olive oil and breadcrumbs.”
2 years ago I ate like a rabbit- I picked and sorted and moved and analyzed. I could binge eat a box of cereal yet not eat a sweet potato because “carbs.” I wouldn’t eat a bowl of fruit because “natural sugar” but would binge drink a bottle of wine at happy hour. My orthorexia was a mad woman in my brain- and I was miserable.
2 years later, I’m sober; I’m cooking every meal- and I’m realizing that I enjoy it (something I never thought possible). I’m googling what sounds interesting and coming up with Asian lettuce chicken wraps and quinoa patties and homemade yogurt parfaits.
Im feeling useful to myself and I’m taking care of my body. I’m eating foods that I once deemed inedible and finding myself full and content on a level that doesn’t give me massive anxiety (I.e. My mind screaming: run it off you lazy bitch)
In short, I’m waving goodbye to the pieces of orthorexia that still remain as I enter this sober side of my life. I didn’t comprehend how much of me was still skewed by this ridiculous logic of my eating disorder brain.
Orthorexia is a real deal. People discredit it because our culture is unhealthy in nature, but taking clean eating too far is real. It’s obsessiveness and habit-forming in the same way bulimia and anorexia are. It carries the same warped values and illogical patterns.
As I continue down my sober epitome, I find myself waving goodbye to a part of my existence that just didn’t make sense, and thankful to be cooking- even if it means I’m not necessarily the girl with the most “fun” stories from the weekend anymore.
I’m content living this way lately. I’m content cooking- sometimes successfully, other times not so much (my potatoes are always undercooked-ugh) but hey- I’m learning. And I’m sober. And I’m finding a happiness that’s consistent- and that’s all I could ask for tonight.
Cheers-
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I am so glad I can across your blog! I read your article on Mind Body Green about Body Dysmorphia.. It couldn’t have rang more true. I wanted to die inside the day that my friend said “wow, you’re so obsessed with yourself” when I checked my reflection in a mirror at a music store. She had no idea the pain I was actually feeling looking at my reflection and her making my feel even worse about it was too much to handle.
Even this article about Orthorexia.. It’s so real and honest. It’s so refreshing to find someone who experienced the same as me. I’ve been in recovery for about 2 years as well. Even now, it’s so hard at times. I wish I could be more open about it like you’re able to do. I want to be able to help others.
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Love it! How does Thanksgiving look to you? Are you going to cook and be with family?
Hi Mary! YES- I’m actually going to cook with my mom this year I’m so excited. We’ve been texting every day about different recipes. Last year, I absolutely could not do it. Thanksgiving, it goes without saying, has always been an incredibly difficult holiday for me food-wise (and alcohol too- lez be honest) but I’m finally at a place where I’d love to contribute to the meal. I have a pretty small family- 10 or so of us will be there, and I’m excited to be sober with them and give back and help my Mom. She always cooks the most intricate things (she’s quite the chef) and while I’ll still need her to prepare my plate for me, I think this year is going to be so lovely and different from prior ones. How about you?! Any tips?!
Hope to see you in FW
ABSOLUTELY!!!!! CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU GUYS!! 🙂