A Play-By-Play To Wearing A Bikini For The First Time

So, you’ve committed. You’re doing it. You’re going to walk around in a bikini for the first time in 8 years. You’re nervous; you’re vulnerable; and mostly you’re scared.

In a series of pictures, here’s how it goes:

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Commit. Pause. You’re doing it.  So, now what?
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Uh, Spin?
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Make a face?
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Moment of panic. Scream at friend “WAIT, WTF AM I DOING.” I can’t. I “can’t even.”
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But you did. You dropped towel. Oh SHIT, GRAB WINE. TOWEL REMOVED. Man down. Legs revealed.

Continue reading “A Play-By-Play To Wearing A Bikini For The First Time”

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The 7 People You Meet In Rehab

girl interrupted

1.) The Girl, Interrupted

Insert {Lindsey Lohan/Britney/Amanda}

This is your hot mess. Your James Frey memoir.

This is the girl your counselors warn you about; the one who has been there for so long that she has her own room.

This is the patient who wears the same outfit for 3 days in a row, and when sitting on the couch, puts her head in your lap as you run your fingers through her mated hair.

This is the patient whose clothes are streaked with paint because when she’s healthy- she’s a brilliant artist-  and she often spends her free time  in the art room when she can convince a counselor to accompany her.

This patient is the type to give herself a tattoo from a safety pin and ink while you’re at snack one day.

Is that the word DIRT, you say- eyeballs bugging out of your head-  when she shows you her fingers. Dirt, you say again- running your hand over each of them. You’ve got to be kidding.

It’s a song, she says- her hair hanging in pieces near her face. It’s a good song.

You hold back when you see that she’s serious.

This is the girl who is delicately beautiful- you find yourself eerily drawn to- but know to remain cognizant and weary of her mood when she’s near.

You will spend hours with on her good days only to forget that she’ll turn the next and set fire to her bedsheets.

Did you take your meds, the nurses will ask her every morning.

Sure did, she’ll say- smiling at you as she drops the pills in the secret pocket of her skirt.

Take it, you hiss at her.

They’re trying to change me, she’ll say- on the days where everything is a conspiracy.

This is the patient who greets her parents with a “Fuck You” as they walk in for visiting hours- but minutes later is on the ground sobbing as she holds her mother’s skirt in the fists of her hands.

She is completely predictable in her unpredictability and often you wonder if it’s on purpose.

She is dangerous, uneasy, and charming.

There will always be one of these- though you’ll lose track of her the moment she’s gone.

2.)  The Debbie + Penelope

SNL
SNL- Debbie Downer

Okay, so I combined them… but who doesn’t love a good SNL reference?

This type of patient is your Debbie Downer; the one who has no intention of getting better. Who sits in the corner with her hood over her head and when called upon to talk- gives the finger.

This is your patient who talks in group and everyone sighs because they know it’s about to be a rambling vile of negativity.

kristin wiig
Penelope

This patient makes it known when they don’t receive mail, consistently reminds everyone that she’s been in rehab more times than she can count, says ”shit” when asked how her day is going- and often chooses to sit alone in the community room.

This person is exhausting. Tiring to the point that you start to keep a daily tally of the negativity for no other reason than to drive yourself mad.

This is the person that all new patients make their mission to “fix” while you watch- smirking- from the other side of the room.

Sure, go ahead- you think- you were once innocent to Debbie’s ways too, but eventually you lost hope.

Sulky betch, you think when she slinks by in the hallway.

But then one-upper Penelope rounds the corner and you are suddenly stuck – frozen in place- deciding which is worse.

You see, rehab is a club all in its own. A sorority hierarchy of sorts where one is- at times- competing with another.

One-upper Penelope is just shit at playing into the blanketed social subtlety.

This is the girl who lets you know that her anorexia is more severe than yours. Her physical health in worse repair, and her bulimia more efficient.

This is the patient that walks down the hall while you’re waiting- wrapped in your medical gown- for your 6am morning vitals. Shivering in the hallway as the dew rests on the grass- you’re rubbing crusty sleep out of your eye as she tells you animatedly- borderline excitedly- that her heart rate is worse today than yesterday.

This is the girl you nod at and say ”oh shit” when she tells you- but are secretly signaling to your friend across from you to add this to the list of annoying crap this girl has said.

This is the girl you grow weary of quickly, but then feel bad later because you realize that eating disorders, in fact, make you bat shit cray.

This is the girl who revels in being sick, and in the end, you feel sorry for her.

cool hand luke

3. ) The Cool Hand Luke:

Continue reading “The 7 People You Meet In Rehab”