Busy awareness week for eating disorders. Feeling a little ‘in my head’ about my own after having talked about it so much so while I’m sitting at a cafe with a French Vanilla Latte, I want to bring my recovery back into a personal perspective.
So often I get wrapped up in the story of my recovery that I tend to shy away from the reality of it. I forget sometimes to take care of my own mind so with that I decided to go back to ”the rehab diary.” It documents my entire time through rehab- from every good day to every bad.
Tucked away in the crevices of this messy journal, I found a letter I wrote one day and pulled it out only to be reminded of an activity we had to do where we wrote a letter to ourselves from our own body. Cheesy? Sure.
But it’s stronger than you think, and one year later I’m reading it again and it’s helping me take another bite of my Foccacia bread sandwich.
Try it. Write to yourself from your legs, your heart, your skin. Keep it for you. It’ll borderline on awkward when you start, but the more you think about it from the perspective of your body- the more your mind opens to the idea of chilling the f*** out.
Anyway, hope you all enjoy. Still reeling over being on the homepage of Refinery29 with “My Healthy Habit Almost Destroyed Me” and am so thankful for the mounds and mounds of support from people I know and those I have never met.
You’re sitting on a couch right now hating me.
Im making a lot of sounds this morning and without you telling me, I know you’re embarrassed.
You fed me French Toast and raisons earlier- which I actually quite enjoyed though I coulda done with a banana instead of the raisons. What are raisons anyway?
I’m quite used to the bananas, ya know? Dependent on them. You give them to me a lot. Sometimes half of one, sometimes two-three a day. Why can’t you ever just decide? I get this like potassium overload and then the moment I’ve worked my way back to normalcy you overload me with Special K carbs. (P.S. I don’t actually like Special K cereal. You really could’ve just stuck with the Fruity Pebbles and I would’ve figured it out…)
You’re like the most confusing person for me to belong to Linds. I’m trying to help you out and you keep either learning on me too hard or leaving me with nothing no matter how many times I’ve waited.
Truth is, you’re like the vacant dad that showers his kids with money and gifts, says he’ll call, and then disappears for months a time.
I’m writing to you today because I’m asking you to please be weary with me. For Christ’s sake, there’s only so long I’m gonna be this abled for you anyway. Eventually, I’ll give out- little by little- and I promise you that you will look back and wish you hadn’t wasted so much time faulting what I can do.
The places you get to see because of me.
The love you have in your life that I can hold inside of you.
Lindsey, I’m sorry I’m not everything you want. God if I could, I’d give you everything- all of it. The thinner legs and the smaller ass. Don’t even get me started on the PCOS. I hate it too. It makes me feel tired and everything’s all out of sorts. I never know what I’m going going to let you feel.
And I apologize for that. For hurting you.
I didn’t ask for PCOS- if I could get rid of it, I would. Those acne bumps I give you? I have to work hard to get them to dissipate too. I feel bad every time I see one coming.
Lindsey- I know you’re angry at me. I’ve tried to say I’m sorry so many times and all you do is shut me down.
Have I not worked with you through every binge? Through every 15 mile run? Through every day you barely fed me and I keep putting your feet one foot in front of the other.
You’re mad at people for being unforgiving of each other, but Lindsey why then can’t you ever just forgive me?
I’m sorry I can’t change you.
If I could, I’d give you everything you wanted, but I can’t. I can’t change myself. I can compromise. I can work with you, but Lindsey, I can’t change what I have to work with.
It kills me that you are so ashamed of me. I’ve worked well for you, haven’t I? I’ve given you so much health- you know I’ve always come through for you.
Remember that one time you threw up in your bathroom? Remember how I made you stop. I let you get dizzy enough to lean again the bathtub, blood on the tips of your fingers, so you’d have to stop.
So you’d pass out and stop.
I will always warn you when you’re taking yourself too far. I will always give you warning signs.
Yet your hatred of me is never ceasing.
I know you try to hide me still. And Lindsey if I could, I’d hide myself. But no matter how much you try, people are always going to see me. When will you just accept that?
People will ALWAYS see me.
Frankly, I’m bored by you these days Linds. I’m just so bored with you and the way you think. I long ago accepted that I wasn’t going to give you a thigh gap. I long ago threw away the idea of you being taller than 5’2.
Push it all you want- I’m not moving. I’m not budging.
But Lindsey, I’ll always beg for your forgiveness.
Please forgive me.
Just forgive me.
Forgive me like you do everything else.
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect.
But I promise I will always support you- if you’ll have me.